I got into a relationship for a laugh and now I'm surprised it's not working out.

Daily Mirror, "Ask Miriam: Monday 9 2008

Joker leaves me in the lurch

When I was working as a holiday rep in France last summer, I meet my boyfriend. He's quite a character - zany and unpredictable - and I fell in love with him almost immediately.
He encouraged me to move from London to Manchester to be near him. I'm gradually settling in and making new friends but it annoys me that I often don't see him for days and he feels he doesn't have to tell me where he's been or been or what he's been doing. He's never once told me he loves me.
He's a popular guys and good fun to be with - when he's around. I fear I've made the wrong decision. What do you think?

Miriam's advice:
This relationship is obviously one sided. He may just want a buddy and you should find some who is as "hot for you as you are for him".

If you ask me:
I hate to be the one to break this to you, but the reason he hasn't told you he loves you is that he doesn't. And why should he? You fell in love with him because he's "zany and unpredictable". Sorry, but that makes as much sense as me falling in love with my Six Feet Under DVD box-set. You jumped head-first into this because of your instant attraction to him. I guess that's understandable, but whatever it is it isn't love.
You complain that he goes off for days without telling you what he's up to. I'm going to go ahead here and assume that you're not a paedophile and he's an adult, in which case he's perfectly entitled to leave without telling you every little detail of his actions. Ok, it would be a bit weird for a husband or long-term boyfriend to take off like this, but sweetheart, that's far from how he sees this relationship.
Yes, as you ask, you made a mistake, and that you need an advice columnist to tell you this is a display of stunning immaturity. You seem to be old enough to live on your own, yet you can't tell the difference between a relationship and a fling that should have stayed in France. Dotty teenagers have more sense that you.
Ok, I shouldn't make it seem like you're entirely to blame here. Your boyfriend is clearly the type of fool who thinks a laugh and a skit with get him through life and everyone will continue to cheer him on because he's so unpredictable and zany (and what kind of person over 16 uses the word "zany" anyway?). Obviously he's wrong, and some day he's going to find that the joke has gotten old. In the meantime, I suggest you ask yourself this: who's the bigger fool, the fool or the fool who follows him, to Manchester.

Why doesn't she love me as much as I do?

Column: Aunt Sally (Sally Brampton), The Sunday Times' 'Style' magazine.

My jealousy is ruining our friendship

When we first met, she was in a long-term relationship that was seriously flawed. We rapidly became very close. The sex was incredible, which neither of us had experienced before, but it felt as if she was having two relationships at once. She tried to break up with her boyfriend, but was reluctant to hurt him or leave the comfort and security. Everyone told me to give up, but our time together was so amazing that I tried to be patient. After weeks of wonderful, intimate sex – and terrible pain – my patience ran out. We promised to remain best of friends. She has since ended things with her boyfriend and is starting a new relationship, which makes me hugely jealous. We speak almost every day and, while I think it would be better to speak less, I miss her and enjoy her company so much, I can’t go through with it. She says she misses me too, and thinks about me loads, but is trying to get over me, as she is moving university soon. How do I get over her?

Sally's advice:
Don't confuse sex with love. She probably didn't really want you but that's ok because she's probably an emotional coward anyway.

If you ask me:
The funniest thing about this guy is how he assumes he was the best shag this tart has ever had. Mate, as "incredible" as the sex may have been, it comes nowhere close to how incredible your fucking ego is. Ok, maybe I'm being harsh. It's possible she told you told you what a fantastic fuck you are, but for this to have value you'd really have to have faith in her words. Do you have any reason to suspect she's a liar? Maybe the first boyfriend can fill you in.

Sally's right. The reason she didn't leave this guy is because - as "flawed" as this relationship may have been - she still preferred him over you, which makes your arrogance all the more hilarious. Of the three idiots interested in this clap-trap the one she's least interested in is you. And I suspect I know the reason. Rather than trying to get over her, it seem to me that the person you really need to get over is yourself.